One day Mesopotamia is assembled out of bits of twig and mud. It is one of the first places we see the ‘Indo-European’ language group that will split off into India and Europe forming the basis of most Western languages. The first written work of ‘fiction’ will be “Epic of Gilgamesh” – Mesopotamian critics give it ‘One Thumb Up’. Egypt turns up in North Africa. Everyone surprised. While that’s going, Greece gets it on – and lots of separate city states turn up. Athens becomes worlds first democracy then thre’s a big war with (I think) the Spartans and then another big war with the Persians (although it could be the other way around and one of them might not have happened). Xerxes was Persian. Herodotus wrote about him.
Then Alexander the Great decides he wants to rule the world and goes a bit nuts bringing Greece, Persia, Egypt, Middle East etc. etc. etc. under his big rule. This is called “The Hellenistic Period”. Finally the Romans turn up. They are boring arseholes and no one likes them. But being very organised they build roads everywhere and conquer most of Europe but become gradually corrupt and stretched too thinly. And the Romans ended up being Christians which is kind of ironic considering how many Christians they used as lion-chow. In the end, Goths come and beat them up. Which is not as amusing an image as it sounds.
Then there are dark ages for a very long time in which most of civilisation sucked arse. Civilisation is left to mad monks hoarding books in dodgy cold monasteries in places like ‘lindesfarne’. Things gradually get better and
monarchies get better organised – the two are not directly related. Technology gets better – someone invents venereal disease and pointy sticks again. Which is a relief as a lot of people thought pointy sticks had been lost when the Romans went nuts. A little bit later, lots of Europeans go and beat up the Middle East in the name of Christianity. Over a thousand years later, the Middle East remains pissed off. Everyone in Europe gets snotty with everyone else in Europe and there are big fights. Sometime around here people decide that science isn’t complete horseshit (very gradually and mostly in Italy).
European people send out people to colonise the world and send dodgy missionaries with them who introduce the world to the Catholic Church and syphilis. Which is nice. Except some of the people they meet don’t want the Catholic Church or syphilis, so they get killed and stuff. Particularly in South America, North America, Africa, the Antipodes and the bits of Asia that hadn’t invented pointy sticks yet. Then England goes all Protestanty which no one is particularly thrilled about. Particularly not the Irish who get in a snark with Cromwell.
America gets all snotty and declares independence. No one cares. It is a dumb country. Americans have wars with themselves for a bit. No one cares. It is a dumb country. Europeans have more wars with each other. No one cares. They’re used to it. Freud is born. There are a couple of world wars. Someone invents cool things like planes and electricity and moon rockets. Some of these people are from America which is no longer a dumb country but a fucking scary country. Russia is also a fucking scary country for a bit, but then they let MacDonalds in, so we quite like them now. And on the seventh day Joss Whedon created Buffy.
THE END (OF ALL HISTORY AS LONG AS YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT CHINA, THE MIDDLE EAST, THE CRUSADES, SOUTH AMERICA, MOST OF ASIA, THE COLONIAL STUFF AND PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING ELSE).