101 interesting facts about bruises…

09/26/2002

I’ve got a huge black bruise on my leg. It’s the size and colour of an over-ripe plum. I don’t know where it came from. In fact all I do know is that I didn’t get it through doing anything fun. But enough about my complete lack of a sex life – today I’m here to tell you where bruises come from.

A bruise or contusion is caused by some kind of knock or bump to the skin. The soft tissues under the skin are full of tiny blood vessels called capillaries. When you bash yourself, these rupture and spurt out red blood cells all over the shop. This is bad. When your body starts to metabolise these cells – literally reabsorbing them – then the bruise will go through a series of colour changes – from red to purple, purple to blue/black, blue/black to green, green to yellow before finally turning a browny skin tone. This colour means the injury is nearly completely healed.

Smurfs are blue – but don’t leap to the conclusion that their skin is simply bruised all over. In actual fact Smurf skin is naturally blue. It would therefore be wrong to assume that they are experiencing serial physical abuse of any kind. If you think about it carefully, you will realise that you have never seen a yellow, black or purplish Smurf, which you would expect if their skin colour was a result of being bashed around by callous human beings or Gargamel.

Many types of people have blue skin which isn’t the result of being beaten up. My favourite non-bruised blue people are The Blue People of Troublesome Creek who intermarried so much that they had loads and loads of children with blue skin. Sometimes people think that Nightcrawler has blue skin, but I’m reliably informed that it’s actual fur. Whether or not he is bruised underneath the fur is between him and his God.

Some people find bruises and being bruised really really sexy. They’re a bit strange, but much less strange than the people who like to pretend to be furry animals or robots. And way less strange than people who find squeezing spots or watching footage of nuclear bombs to be trouser rocket-launchers (or whatever the girl equivalent is). If you like sexy bruises, then you’re probably in the top-left corner of this map of fetishes.

I believe that if you pick up the magic key in Bestiality and build up enough experience points fighting the kobbolds around Furverts, then it’s possible to completely traverse the map, building up a number of exciting STDs in the process, before coming upon the Orthopaedic Braces in the citadel of Medical Bondage. Watch out for elves. Especially the ones interested in Messy Fun. But I’m wandering off topic…

There are a lot of pictures of bruises on the internet. I found lots and lots via Google images. Some of them are really grim and upsetting. But sometimes they’re quite funny. These two guys have bruises and are quite funny, for example. And this guy’s bruises are really impressive. If I was going to have a bruise that didn’t hurt much to get and looked really cool, I’d get some like his. I wonder, what kind of bruise would you like most?

If you like bruises or are interested in bruise-related issues discussed above, you can find out more about them here: