I bring you a message from the year 2005…

Wow. Dude. 2005. That’s fucked up right here. Two thousand and five years into the Common Era. Which is like only a hundred generations or something. One hundred tiny links in the enormous chain that includes my mum, her gran, some weird hairy ape-like ancestors and a few {large numbers} of protozoa. It’s not really any time at all really. And yet in that time so many dumb ideas have been thought up and discarded. Probably more dumb ideas than in any time in human history. I think we should be proud of this achievement. I mean, god knows what amphibious proto-future-humans might have thought about on their slow evolutionary path to hair-growth, but whatever it was, I reckon we’ve probably topped it fairly nicely. I mean some of the stuff that’s come out of my mouth alone – woah, mama!

At the moment of course it’s 2005 in Europe and it’s 2004 in America, which means that for the next few hours we Europeans get to enjoy our flying cars and jetpacks and stuff before the Americans collapse the wave-function and leave us with Desperate Housewives and Pot Noodle. It all brings new meaning to the William Gibson (?) quote (misquote): “The future is here. It’s just
not evenly distributed yet”. Damn right, mister. There’s another 105 minutes before it even comes close to you people…

So anyway, it’s nearly 3.15am in the morning here. It’s nearly 3.15am and it’s the first day of a brand new year. So I’m thinking about how I’m feeling about it so far. Feels a bit sluttier maybe than last year? In aspect if not in action. Otherwise, what am I feeling / thinking? Well, I’m a bit bored. And kind of hungry. My scalp’s a bit itchy. I’m concerned that my flat isn’t as tidy as I’d hoped it would be. I’m thinking maybe I want to know whether you get loads of parasites from eating take-out and going to restaurants all the time. I bet you get lots. I’m wondering what’s on TV, if that’s any insight. And I’m thinking a bit: Are we there yet?