Ten Good Posts From The

Ten Good Posts From The Past (July-Oct 2000):

1) The Mouse From Aphrodite’s Armpit : “I am drooling as if drool never went out of fashion (1800s, if you’re interested). It’s like Steve Jobs is personally seducing me. He might as well put on suspenders and stand outside my house going, “Hey there, fancy a good time?”. Except that might be a bit gross. Oh My God.”
2) I Am Cheese: “I am traditional, yet soft. I am of Belgian descent. I have a creamy yellowish body, with a red/brown surface and a slightly corrugated edge. I taste almost meaty and have a legendary aroma caused by enzymes on my skin that break down proteins.”
3) Evil Supercriminal: “But I started to get a darker thrill from the presence of the evil supercriminals – people who didn’t have respect for society, people who weren’t interested in puppies and blonde girls and apple pie and fudge brownies, but instead would prefer to annihilate Frankfurt with a huge gun and an over-fluffed white cat.”
4) In Defence Of Back-Slapping Wank: “Clearly “wank” is considered “unproductive”, “wasteful”, “pointless” and therefore bad by these people. Weblogs are also considered “unproductive”, “wasteful” and “pointless” and also therefore “bad”.”
5) Talking to Katy: “Are you shagging all my friends?””
6) On Barmen: “Barmen are alluring for three reasons. Firstly, they have to be nice to you. Secondly, they are often employed because they are physically attractive (although this could be a condition only in gay culture). Thirdly, they bring you alcohol if you ask them nicely.”
7) In Which Tom Suffers From A Mystery Illness The Day After Getting Hideously Drunk: “Over the next two hours I manage to eat one eighth of an apple, a spoonful of cereal and a third of a small bowl of plain pasta with a little olive oil and salt.”
8) Bastardised Donut Hell: “The traditional English doughnut has been edged out of the Supermarket, to be replaced by what would be termed by the less charitable as its increasingly ubiquitous glossy bastardisation.”
9) Skank: “Joanna Lumley – goddess of the New Avengers, star of innumerable sub-par movies and chain-smoking high-class drunk skank of Absolutely Fabulous used to be heavily involved in a site…”
10) Text MessagE Theatre: “Jen has such a hard life. I really feel for her. I so relate to her bruised sluttiness – jack is a fucking girl loser poof as well. Spit. Vomit. Barf. Ick.”