Does anyone remember this TV series? It had like six “friends” – three ‘boys’ and three ‘girls’ -and they kind of lived in this really obvious set in New York and the friends who were boys were Dorky/Slutty, Dorky/Sarcastic and Dorky/Mass Murderer and the friends who were girls were Sassy/Obsessive, Sassy/Self-Obsessive and Sassy/Certifiable? God, you’re got to remember it! It was huge about eight years ago… You remember? It was called “Friends”? Maybe it wasn’t on TV where you come from. Anyway – the point is, that somehow I just caught an episode of it – it’s still on TV! – and goddam is it terrible. Absolutely excruciatingly awful.
So anyway, I’m talking to Kerry – you remember Kerry, he’s my chum in LA – and we’re trying to work out why anyone ever watched that show “Friends”, and we’re trying to think up brilliant alternatives and I think we’ve done terribly well:
Pitch One: My first suggestion was a bit of a doozy – basically it’s a sit-com about hot naked gay men making out – What’s not to love?! When you think about it it’s a miracle that no one’s thought of it before. Location ideas? Fraternity house shower room maybe? Kerry suggested a wrestling team theme – but that’s no good. As I explained to him, US wrestling teams wear weird wrestling outfits. You have to have grown up with them to associate them with lustful feelings – no one else in the world understands that particular weird fetish. And foreign markets are so very important nowadays – you don’t want to make a show that people in New Zealand think is lame, do you? I mean, do you? Essentially, the only truly international sit-coms – maybe the only truly international TV shows – are the totally naked ones. I mean – check out Oprah – do you really think that her show would have been popular in Kazakhstan if she’d been wearing clothes?
Pitch Two: How about a sit-com in which Shania Twain is brutally murdered in a different way each week? It’s got loads of potential catchphrases and running jokes. Each week she could start singing some power pop piece of … art … and then – right in the middle – an anvil could fall onto her head, or she could look down and realise that she’s been pushed off a cliff. It would be like Kenny in South Park, but infinitely more satisfying. And think of the potential for spin-offs! I mean just off the top of my head I can think of “Death to J Lo!” and “The Hideously Thrilling Regular Decapitation of Christina Aguilera!”
You know – I’m wasted working in community software. I should be working in Hollywood! They know how to reward visionary geniuses out there. I mean – look at Joel Schumacher! He gave Batman nipples!