Mad outbursts in national newspapers are like the rays of sunshine glinting through the storm clouds of international news. It’s lovely to be able to sense the person who wrote the news, and get a sense of his or her vibrant perspective on the events they’re writing about. It adds interest to information that you might otherwise wish to totally disregard. Like for example information on Cricket! So let’s turn towards today’s cricket report on Guardian Unlimited. It starts reasonably enough:
“It’s really simple: India are already through, New Zealand have to win.”
But then it goes a little pear-shaped:
“Meanwhile, have you ever thought what sort of life is this and what the hell am I doing boarding a train for Moorgate at 6.30 In the morning and then standing around for ages waiting for a tube while staring at a sign telling you that if you wait for four minutes you can board a train to Uxbridge I’d rather wait four hours for a journey with the Grim Reaper quite frankly and then you get to work and then there’s this and I know the cricket’s good and all that but I’ve got out of the wrong side of bed this morning and in any case it’s not as if I’ll write a cracking match report and then get rewarded by being sent on a wonderful assignment around the world because I’ll be very surprised if any of my bosses will read any of this let’s be honest they won’t although on the other hand that’s probably just as well..”
And that’s before the weblog-style grumpy commentary kicks in! I mean – classy, fascinating comments emerge like, “Asger Kring works for a Copenhagen media company that publishes several newspapers. “Do you want me to inquire whether they are looking for an over-by-over commentary guy?” Yes. Yes. YES! YES! YES!!!! Not that I’m desperate or anything.” By the ninth over, people are writing in with their improvisational ‘hit the keyboard with your fists’ comments:
“I must have a different keyboard-banging technique from Leonard,” types John Kirby with his big fists. “I get ‘ytcdskljojnvds.lkzsedli;j un fesalmjni vfesa;lmija;mju fceiv faewj;omivrewaomiu; svfeomijuhlvesmu;oilgvrstmjloivtrseomiju,’ which looks rather like Finnish.”
God, my sides would be shaking hard as Shakin’ Stephens if it wasn’t (as Matt has pointed out to me) potentially a ‘wacky’ Red Nose Day thing. Wouldn’t that just drain all the life out of it? Like all the life out of it? I hate Red Nose Day. It’s so desperate and tiring and forced. And they think they’re being so cool and down with the kids. Grrr. Wankers.
Addendum: Worth reading the comments on this one – you might learn something. I certainly did.