The Million Pound Property Queens…

So there’s this TV show called The Million Pound Property Experiment. It’s presented by these two charming young men called Colin and Justin. Evidence suggests that the two young men in question come from a dimension that – let’s just say – is big on musical theatre. One of them (Colin) is quite fluffy and conciliatory (“We like Colin! Yay Colin!”), but the other one (Justin) is a bloody nightmare. Watching him in action is like watching a drag act on cocaine with foot-long claws hacking and slashing her way through a room stuffed full of fluffy bunnies, kittens and happy smiling teddy bears. I’ll give you an example. When the programme started they had this really decent guy working with them as a project manager. He was a bit of a curmudgeon at times, but he seemed pragmatic and mostly reasonable. And Justin just wailed at him and scratched at him like one of those impossibly unreasonable small children that you kind of pick up and watch quizzically while they writhe and kick and scream that they hate you. Nutter! And I’m not the only one who thinks so – you only have to read the vaguely homophobic thread over at Digital Spy to see how stunned and amused people are by his behaviour. And that’s discounting the whole Popbitch thing. Which we won’t mention, obviously. Oops.

That’s not to say – of course – that the buildings they end up producing aren’t beautifully assembled, but the most galling aspect is how relentlessly they ignore everyone who tells them about the prices in the area or that their design ideas are inappropriate for their market or that – you know – children could – you know – die if you build it that way. So week after week they get profits in the region of £1000 just because they’re snotting drama queens. It’s scandalous! Great television, though…

10 replies on “The Million Pound Property Queens…”

Ok, so maybe I’m exaggerating a bit – although they did have two properties that only made around £1000 profit and £2000 profit respectively – and I can’t imagine that includes the cost of their interior design expertise. Admittedly, tonight they got a rather more substantial £108,000 profit so I might have to let them off. But that also appears to be more because Justin lets other people get a bit of a word in every so often nowadays.
Which brings me to my other question. You didn’t leave your name. If you’re Colin, do you fancy half a shandy sometime?

Strangely enough, I was going to post about this programme tonight, but couldn’t think of anything to say apart from repeating the words ‘car crash television’. That’s not to say it’s not fabulous and compulsive viewing . . . but really! Those two designers! And the fact that it’s like every property programme going on telly in that they ignore every bit of sensible advice. And the fact that by the end of every programme I’m chewing the arm of the sofa pleading for the gods to make it stop, and yet I come back to it each and every week. Horrendous. Brilliant. Brilliantly horrendous.

Btw, they’re a couple apparently. First gay couple presentering duo thing in the UK and all that blah blah.

Oh that’s a terrible terrible shame. I’m way less annoying than Justin (well I’m slightly less annoying anyway) and I think that other chap and I would get on terribly well after he got past the whole “you live in a dump and have no style” thing. Such a waste. Oh the humanity.

I only managed one show (porobably the “children could die if you build it that way” show unless that happens _every_ week_). There’s no accounting for relationships though: on Liquid News a couple of weeks ago they said they met in a club and had been together for 18 years. Hmmm. That’s interesting maths!

So the original pitch was they start with a cheap house, do it up, sell it on, use the profits for the next house and so on up to the big million. And the final profits go to children in need. But disaster struck on house one: the one where they “designed” a bathroom where if you sat on the toilet you had to put your legs in the bath. Three of the properties so far have been financial disasters. The worst: £1,000 profit for 12 weeks work, and youíll notice the bottom line doesnít include mortgage payments for the weeks the house stands empty. So actually, a loss.
The fix is in. The experiment died at birth. The bbc ends up funding a another make-over show. Only unlike the wonderful (trained, knowledgeable, talented) Lawrence Llandudno-Butlins, these two jokers are basically unskilled. They know as much about design as theyíve picked up off watching The House Doctor, thereís no rigour or depth to their approach. Itís the intellectual equivalent of a dog eating its own vomit, but lacking the charm.
And not wishing to trivialise, but what is with their hair? Was Colin auditioning for an Amish community production of Oklahoma during filming? One morning, looking over the breakfast table and gazing at the box of Quaker oats, another design statement comes to Colin?
But anyway: £108k profit. Not a bad return. But you donít have to be a genius to spend £160k and turn a massive six bedroom house into a nice, massive six bedroom house. And hereís the biggest clue, their favourite part of this weekís show: “injecting the lifestyle”. For the love of God, wonít somebody think of the children (in need).

It certainly is addictive – It’s not just Justin’s bull drag queen in a china shop ways that make it such good viewing, though. The truly wonderful moments come when J. stops stomping about demostrating a complete lack of regard for the wise advice of his betters and snaps, like that time he wept on the beach, or last night when it dawned on him that he’d actually turned a profit. The quivering lip! The teary eye! The naked play of emotion across his face! And the pleasure of seeing him crumble into a wimpering tearful mess is all the greater, since there can be no doubt that he is an utter, utter twat.
On the Popbitch front, I won’t mention that the gossip in Glasgow suggests the popular newsletter was uncharacteristically restrained in its description of the couple’s proclivities. Oops.

My dad and I roar with laughter at that show, it’s so bad and so good and so awful and oh, how can they really be like that?
I’d like to see those two lending a hand re-building Iraq, I think that’d liven things up a bit.
Wonderful stuff :op

How wonderful!!
I’m watching the show in Norway on BBC prime and thought I’d skip ahead using the net and check if they’d managed it. This is the wonderful bit, I’m not the only person that sits and cringes at the cheek of the man! Yes Justin I believe.
On more than one occasion he’s been personal in his attack on that developer chap helping them. He’s so embarrassingly rude to everyone which I guess would never be tolerated if he was to embark on such a mission without the bbc!
The comment s on this forum make it all worth is, thanks.

Comments are closed.