Tom Coates Explains Everything (Part Four)

Brief answers only this morning – my throbbing head can answer all, but my fingers are incapable of typing… 1) To TomH I say, It takes seventy-three licks to get to the centre of a Tootsie Pop. And for the other question… What do you mean? An African or European swallow? 2) To Nik I say – If I could be anyone else in the world, I wouldn’t want to be William Shatner. And the entity which occupies the Shatner body chose him because he had a thing about hairpieces. 3) To Hewligan I say, I have thought about trying to write a couple of novels, but I’m really lazy and disorganised so I can’t imagine it will ever happen. I’m not going to tell you the plots, just in case they’re not crap, but they are called respectively “My day in hell” and “Prank”. 4) To Vaughan I say – you can’t ask three questions
– that’s taking the piss! So you get very small answers with no explanation – 1985, 2004 and because he’s very witty and dresses well. 5) To Paul I say – I have no sense of smell, I’m afraid – strange but true – so I will have to go with “burnt plastic”. 6) And to Tom Cosgrave, the answer to the question, “Why oh why can’t we all take it easy and enjoy ourselves in life and stuff?” is because Niezsche was right and Epicurus wasn’t.