What can I say – I'm behind, okay?

So basically what can I say – I’m behind, okay? I’m not doing all the things I want to do as effectively as I like. And yes – there’s a lot of procrastination in there as well. It’s not like I’m busy all the day and night. I’m hardly busy at all, except that when I am doing things, they’re kind of head-intensive and I’m having trouble maintaining concentration on them. So what can I say – I’m behind, okay?

The weblog is the first to suffer of course. I’ve been writing nothing of utility for ages because work’s been crawling through my head all the time saying, “Concentrate on me! Concentrate on me! If you’re not getting stuff done then make sure it’s me that you’re not getting done and not that flighty crap you put up on your site”. My brain is a stupid useless object that doesn’t let me multitask efficiently. I spend long hours plotting how I could reengineer it to be more useful – a couple of bits of bent-over paper-clip heated in a microwave and stuck up my nose and whoosh there goes my obsession with The West Wing. A good blast of Domestos up my nose and maybe I can get rid of my continual nagging self-doubt. The rest of the time I spend fighting my inner demons of “fuckaround” and “watchTV”. When I get stuck on something, what else should I do? I mean it’s not like I could go and do something else more useful instead. As a result my flat’s a state of course. And I haven’t got any clean clothes and stuff. And I haven’t paid my rent yet and it’s really late. So what can I say – I’m behind, okay?

So what I can I say – I’m behind okay, but I actually got something done today! I sent off a quick sketch of a rendezvous application that I’d really like to build with someone who understands how to build applications. I do not. I am a designer of sorts, and hence useless. So I need more cool programmers in my life. Ideally really focused industrious ones who can’t think of anything to build themselves and who find themselves scratching at their legs and rocking backwards and forwards because they can’t fill up their time with constructive amazing work. Essentially, I need anti-mes. And what else? I started to get worked up about a prize that I thought I might be in the running for and then had to calm down about it again. I don’t think I filled in the forms correctly / at all and I don’t know whether I had to or not, but I didn’t, okay? I hate forms. They’re nasty and confusing and I’m obsessed that if I fill them in wrong they’ll put me in prison or something. That’s not me being lazy, okay? That’s just how it is.

What else? Two big documents I want to write – really interesting documents – are icebergs that I keep aiming my brain Titanic at but I can’t seem to hit. And there’s another project – a chunk of a work project (a really really interesting work project that no one’s going to find very interesting to start off with when it launches) – that’s clogging up my head because it’s harder than I expected it to be and I don’t have enough time to do it in. And then there’s barbelith which gets me so down sometimes because I don’t want this to happen to me but I know how easily it can happen and I know some of the stuff I want to do and build and make and experiment with but I don’t know how to get it done in a way that’s not really unfair and exploitative on my collaborators. But there’s lots of interesting guff in there that I’d like to explode – really useful guff. Not your book-learnin’ stuff maybe, but stuff that’s in the wild and working! But then? And then? And then? And then what? When do I get to spill all this stuff out? When do I get to open up my head and let people poke around at the stuff inside and go “ooh” or “aah” or “hmm – that’s a bit rubbish”? When do I get to reengage with the debates that I’m passionate about? When do all the projects in my head start emerging and start being useful and productive rather than loitering around the public loos looking sinister? When do I get to open the gates and let it all out / let them all in?

What can I say – I’m behind, okay?

7 replies on “What can I say – I'm behind, okay?”

I prefer to be behind than be utterly caught up. When I’m utterly caught up, I’m always looking over my shoulder, waiting for disaster to knock over my fragile deck of cards. But when I’m behind, it gives me inner peace. Peace with the knowledge that hey, I’m never gonna catch up anyway, so why sweat it?

I hope I’m not the only one that started to sing the lines : “What can I say?/I’m beHIND OKAY!” over and over.
Might be a good idea to pay the rent though sir. We don’t want you homeless. The rest will sort itself out.

{{hug}} I totally understand. I’ve been back online for 2.5 days and the backlog from hell makes me want to completely hide. Thus, my blog says i’m still offline… and probably will until i get back to procrastinating paper writing. It’s scary how we can self-construct our own anxieties in our self-constructed responsibilities, eh? I always used to think that only someone else could give me anxiety. I was wrong. I’m far better at it.

To put it mildly: the last six weeks have been quite hectic. Five weeks last Friday, I was out at the theatre with a friend, and had my mobile phone on silent. I got out at half ten, and as…

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