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Trawling through the archives…

I spent a little time trawling through plasticbag.org‘s archive this morning, and came upon this post, which I think has to be one of the best things I’ve ever written:

Time and need are connected in some strange extravagant way with one another. The more desire you feel, the longer seems the time you have to wait to see it fulfilled. The harder you exert a pull, the further you seem to have to strain. Relationships between people can be measured by their perceptions of time. “I haven’t seen you in ages,” he cries. “I seem to see him all the time,” she complains.

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In which Tom's subconscious reveals him to be going insane…

I was woken by a tiny trollish man this morning, regailing me with stories of how his ‘cubby hole’ was flooded by something emerging from my flat. I stood there dressed in nothing but a towel on with my head all clumpy and slow while he insisted that I must have just had a bath. I should be grateful really – he woke me from one of the most unpleasant dreams I’ve ever had.

I was in a place that resembled a huge, brightly lit locker room. It was as if they’d removed the gym from the building and made it all into a locker room. Some of the walls had mirrors on them. I was there for a shower of some kind. A huge institutional-looking man led me to my locker, which was a strange shape – deep and wide, but only about three inches high – and in it was were two packages that looked like they contained the towels you get at Chinese restaurants to freshen up with after eating. I didn’t know what to do with them initially, but under the steady, relentless gaze of the institutional man, I gradually I came to understand that one of these towels was saturated with some kind of soapy chemical substance, and the other removed it. You were expected to strip naked, rub yourself down with it and then use the other one to ‘rinse’ yourself. The institutional man said that sometimes the first part of the body that you touched with the towel sometimes reacted badly with the chemicals and would swell up – and he recommended using it on my chest as that would be less noticeable or dangerous. He did this bluntly – aggressively – like I didn’t really have much in the way of choice. I stripped off, took the towel and started wiping myself with it, but immediately started to feel strange and dizzy. Walking to a mirror I saw that some parts of my skin had ruptured under the pressure of the chemical towel – particularly on the side of my body – and that I was slowly become covered with substantial bleeding holes. And that’s when I woke up, with a weird troll-like man lurking outside my door, obsessed with flooding. What a way to start the day…

In unrelated news, Alan Storm has informed me that being bitten by a purple fly can turn Smurf’s purple. Note – this is very definitely not the same process as normal bruising.

Categories
Health Humour

101 interesting facts about bruises…

I’ve got a huge black bruise on my leg. It’s the size and colour of an over-ripe plum. I don’t know where it came from. In fact all I do know is that I didn’t get it through doing anything fun. But enough about my complete lack of a sex life – today I’m here to tell you where bruises come from.

A bruise or contusion is caused by some kind of knock or bump to the skin. The soft tissues under the skin are full of tiny blood vessels called capillaries. When you bash yourself, these rupture and spurt out red blood cells all over the shop. This is bad. When your body starts to metabolise these cells – literally reabsorbing them – then the bruise will go through a series of colour changes – from red to purple, purple to blue/black, blue/black to green, green to yellow before finally turning a browny skin tone. This colour means the injury is nearly completely healed.

Smurfs are blue – but don’t leap to the conclusion that their skin is simply bruised all over. In actual fact Smurf skin is naturally blue. It would therefore be wrong to assume that they are experiencing serial physical abuse of any kind. If you think about it carefully, you will realise that you have never seen a yellow, black or purplish Smurf, which you would expect if their skin colour was a result of being bashed around by callous human beings or Gargamel.

Many types of people have blue skin which isn’t the result of being beaten up. My favourite non-bruised blue people are The Blue People of Troublesome Creek who intermarried so much that they had loads and loads of children with blue skin. Sometimes people think that Nightcrawler has blue skin, but I’m reliably informed that it’s actual fur. Whether or not he is bruised underneath the fur is between him and his God.

Some people find bruises and being bruised really really sexy. They’re a bit strange, but much less strange than the people who like to pretend to be furry animals or robots. And way less strange than people who find squeezing spots or watching footage of nuclear bombs to be trouser rocket-launchers (or whatever the girl equivalent is). If you like sexy bruises, then you’re probably in the top-left corner of this map of fetishes.

I believe that if you pick up the magic key in Bestiality and build up enough experience points fighting the kobbolds around Furverts, then it’s possible to completely traverse the map, building up a number of exciting STDs in the process, before coming upon the Orthopaedic Braces in the citadel of Medical Bondage. Watch out for elves. Especially the ones interested in Messy Fun. But I’m wandering off topic…

There are a lot of pictures of bruises on the internet. I found lots and lots via Google images. Some of them are really grim and upsetting. But sometimes they’re quite funny. These two guys have bruises and are quite funny, for example. And this guy’s bruises are really impressive. If I was going to have a bruise that didn’t hurt much to get and looked really cool, I’d get some like his. I wonder, what kind of bruise would you like most?

If you like bruises or are interested in bruise-related issues discussed above, you can find out more about them here:

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Random

The Guardian's Best British Blog award is announced…

…and the winner is ScaryDuck. For those of you who came in late, the Guardian have finally announced the winners of the Best British Blog competition. Congratulations to everyone who was shortlisted – particularly the winner Scary Duck and my particular favourites: LinkMachineGo, Anglepoised, Blogjam, Gina Snowdoll, Interconnected and Minor9th. Over at Metafilter there’s a thread to discuss the resutls, where I promise – I will try to behave. And if you want to explore the range of weblogs that didn’t enter (and some of their reasons for not doing so), then you should investigate The “Not the Best” Project.

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And a full eight hours after I started the coding, plasticbag.org's redesign is… incomplete

As those of you who aren’t reading this site through the medium of NetNewsWire have probably already noticed, plasticbag.org has gone through a bit of a redesign. This one, for perhaps obvious reasons, is called kottkesque and is pure CSS once more. Unfortunately, despite me having worked on it for the last eight hours, it’s 2am and it’s still incomplete. I decided – against my better judgement – to do quite a lot of the building on this one while the site was live, because I hoped I’d work faster and get the damn thing done. And that has mostly worked.

Known bugs at this stage include:

  • Form elements on the top right of the page don’t sit right on the page on most Windows browsers.
  • Sometimes links in comments and in list elements aren’t formatted correctly.
  • There is no gallery section yet, merely an empty directory listing with some old-style pages within it.
  • There are no permalinks yet (this is a difficult one to fix, but I’ll see if I can enlist Cal).
  • The links use a border property in CSS rather than the normal text-decoration – and as such don’t appear as intended in some earlier Window’s browsers. This will be fixed shortly.
  • The search results page is still formatted in the site’s old style.

If you’ve noticed any errors on the pages that aren’t part of the above list, then mail me (including details of the error and a screen-cap if possible) and I’ll endeavour to sort them out as quickly as is humanly possible – ideally within the next twenty-four hours. I know this isn’t the most professional of behaviours, but hell – it’s my personal site, I can do what the hell I like. I’ll also be undertaking some general tweaking over the next few days, as well as (hopefully) putting up a gallery of screenshots from previous incarnations of the site. If you’re one of the people who found the old site unmanageable, then welcome back. And if you hate it and it makes you cross, then find someone who you don’t like in real life and give them an earful on my behalf. I’m off to bed. Good night!

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Random

Buffy returns to television. Americans don't realise how lucky they are…

So Buffy returns with its seventh, and potentially last, series. And as usual Americans will see it now, people with cable or satellite in the UK will see it in January, and the rest of us will have to wait until the box sets come out or it comes on terrestrial. Which will probably be (at the earliest) next August. In the meantime, the only scraps of information that we can get over this side of the pond are stories on sites like Whedonesque. It’s a cruel, cruel world we live in…

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Random

On reading the British Government Dossier on Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction…

I hereby declare my intention to read through the British Government’s much promised dossier on Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction, which is freely available from a number of different governmental and non-governmental sites. [Download the PDF (428kb)] This document is supposed to clarify why some kind of action against Saddam Hussein is of the utmost importance. However, I’m about a third of the way through John Pilger’s The New Rulers of the World, and am increasingly suspicious of Governmental motivations (both in the US and UK) with regard to this conflict. I’ve downloaded the document, and will be posting my ill-educated and worthless opinions of it as I proceed.

Foreword: The document starts with a two page foreword by Tony Blair which details the particularly unusual circumstances surrounding the release of the document. He states that the document is based on the work of the Joint Intelligence Committee (JIC). The material it collects is normally secret, and it is apparently “unprecedented for the Government to publish this kind of document”. The introduction further states that Mr Blair believes that it demonstrates without doubt that Saddam Hussein (referred to regularly as simply “Saddam”, which seems odd to me – as if he’d refer to the US’s government as “George”) has continued to build weapons of mass destruction. But he also states:

“I believe people will understand why the Agencies cannot be specific about the sources, which have formed the judgements in this document, and why we cannot publish everything we know. We cannot, of course, publish the detailed raw intelligence.”

This is both totally expected, and utterly frustrating. Because at heart it leaves the document as inevitably a set of assertions. Assertions presented without substantial back-up or evidence. And although of course everyone understands why such information can’t easily be published, it unfortunately leaves the door open for doubt and suspician over its validity.

Finally, a comparison from the introduction. Tony Blair: “Saddam has used chemical weapons, not only against an enemy state, but against his own people.” American researchers John Mueller and Karl Mueller (from Pilger’s book): “Economic sanctions have probably already taken the lives of more people in Iraq than have been killed by all weapons of mass destruction in history.”

From the Executive Summary: When it comes to summarising the position of the document, the Executive Summary is brief, clear and startling reading. Whether or not it accurately represents the situation is of course inevitably a matter of faith in the legitimacy and accountability of our leaders. If it is accurate, then it is fairly chilling. The first three points detail what presumably amounts to previously public information about Iraq’s continued development of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons. The fourth point outlines what are perceived to be his attitudes towards these weapons, while the fifth asserts there is evidence that the regime is covering up new developments in them.

The sixth is the most startling point. It outlines a set of judgements or predictions about Iraq, which include that they have a wide range of protocols, mechanisms and military arrangements for the use of chemical and biological agents, developed mobile laboratories, tried covertly to acquire materials for nuclear devices including attempts to get “significant amounts of uranium from Africa”, illegally kept and further developed long-range missiles and learnt how to conceal sensitive equipment and documentation from inspectors.

The seventh point is merely a statement of the source of these judgements, the eighth a statement that Iraq are breaking the law, the ninth a statement that declares the risks of keeping Hussein as leader, and the tenth declares that Iraq funds its programs via illegal activity with an income of $3 billion in 2001.

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Paralysed by choice…

Today the new Beck album was released. It had multiple covers. But which one to buy? Which is the right one? Which is the authentic cover and which are knock-offs? Which one expresses my desire for authenticiy most effectively? Which one declares, “I’m not interested in posing, I’m here for the music”? Which one is the most ostentatious? Because I don’t want that one. Which one will date the most? Which one is iconic and which are ludicrous? How do you make these decisions, these simple decisions, when there’s nothing to choose between them? How long can you stand in front of the counter in HMV paralysed by choice? At what point does indecision, does the inability to act at all, become legitimately frightening?

Categories
Journalism Personal Publishing Social Software

If this truly is the future of Google news, then the project I've been trying to persuade people to undertake for the last six – eight months is dead.

According to Google Blog there’s potentially a new front-page emerging for Google News. The current page can be viewed at news.google.com, and its apparent replacement is here.

To be honest, this news doesn’t fill me with the love and happiness that you might expect. About six months ago I thought of something that has probably been thought of many times in the past. It was a kind of news site that used things like Daypop and Blogdex to determine what was timely and interesting to people on a per-link basis, which could then be pulled together using something like Google News to a by-story list and which could then be attached to commentary from the weblog community directly on the page. It would be like having a world of columnists and op-ed writers ready not only to collectively decide between them what was newsworthy, but also to directly comment on the stories on the same page as the story was displayed. It would be an immediate vox-pop. A gauge of a huge community of divergent interests… That’s when I started to get excited, because essentially you’d be talking about a site that allowed anyone in the world to write a comment piece on breaking news stories.. And this extended right past webloggers themselves to mainstream writers. And if you could figure out a way of organising micro-payments you might be able to read the thoughts of academics, actors, writers, thinkers from all over the world – along with your friends, the people who share interests with you, the democratically expert… This would be the place where a world of webloggery demonstrated that being mainstream didn’t mean individuals writing like ‘proper professionals’, where a journalist could equally be conceived as the person who was nearest to the event when it happened. Where the sheer value of hundreds of thousands of webloggers could be condensed and purified and injected straight into the world’s new media bloodstream.

Most importantly, although I knew that other people were thinking along similar lines, no one actually seemed to be doing anything about it. I talked to friends about the idea and how useful and cool it could be. Some were intrigued, some bored – as you’d expect. I wrote the whole thing down and pitched it in the general direction of people who might be in a position to allow me to develop a system as part of my working life. And now Google News is so close to the first stages of something I really wanted to be part of, and I feel like I did when I was in the middle of my doctorate, watching the dot-com boom happen all around me, knowing that wonderful things were happening elsewhere that would fascinate me, but that I had to accept I wasn’t able to be a part of… It’s terrible to have invested so much of yourself in an idea only to see it go ahead without you. Even if you’re hardly the first person in the world to see the potential…

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Random

There are three asides to every story… Being the worst post ever on plasticbag.org…

Matt Webb never links to weblogs. Ever. Except when they’re talking about some ludicrously complicated piece of where-RSS-will-be-in-20-years-ery, or something ludicrous-mac-rumour-with-a-utopian-edge-ish. He certainly never links to any funny weblogs. That, it seems, would miss the point.

Aside (1) on the rhetoric of webloggery. You know full well I’m about to say something to the effect of “Matt Webb has just linked to this really funny weblog”. Bear with me. Go along with the pretence that I’m about to do something so revelatory that you’ll implode with pleasure and surprised. It’ll make me feel better. I promise.

Aside (2) on being facetious. When I was about eleven I said something really really similar to the line above in an essay about something or other at school. And my teacher read it out in front of the whole class and said I was facetious. And none of us knew what that meant, and I’ve carried it with me as a scar for the rest of my life and it still brings pain to my heart when I think about it. So let’s pretend for a minute that I’m not being facetious, and maybe in that way I’ll get over that minor childhood trauma.

Aside (3) on what facetious means. Definitions of facetious according to dictionary.com include, “cleverly amusing in tone”, “characterized by wit and pleasantry; exciting laughter; as, a facetious story or reply” and “playfully jocular; humorous”. In retrospect, I don’t think he was using the word correctly, as it seems to be quite a good thing to be. Learn this lesson well, children. Teachers know jack shit.

So anyway, against all the odds, Matt Webb has just linked to this really funny weblog. Or at least he claims it is funny. I haven’t actually looked at it and don’t intend to either. Because this whole preamble was a way of excusing the fact that I’m about to link to a really funny weblog. Didn’t see that coming, did you. Ha.

Unbrokenglass.com is about the institutionalised dating misadventures of a young Jewish woman – and she’s had many. I’m not entirely up on my Jewish dating practices (or indeed any dating practices), but it appears that there’s some kind of precursor to computer dating that forms a significant component of Judaic cultural life. Without fear or shame of being pointed at down the pub for being the saddo who put the personal ad in the paper, you are set up with a variety of men or women (depending, note, on your own gender – and not your personal preferences) and then experience the wonder of eating food, chatting amiably and surrupticiously chewing off your own arm over the course of the evening. Eating food, chatting amiably and chewing off of one’s one arm being the only three components of the dating experience I’ve as yet experienced. And your Rabbi helps too, which is nice.

Here’s a choice quote from unbrokenglass.com: “I have to say that the guy who approached me had a phenomenal likeness to Bart Simpson. Very American-like of him really. I mean, he was short, blond, his hair was exactly like Bart Simpson’s, big round eyes complete with squeaky yellowish voice and manic smile. I wanted to make a joke about it but I very tactfully decided to shut up.”

God what an awful, overwritten post this is. I’m turning into a right hack.