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The Royal Tenenbaums meets Fair Game…

Last night at nine o’clock, our flat was struck with a terrible choice. Would it be Brian De Palma’s Snake Eyes or Wes Anderson’s The Royal Tenenbaums? Several nanoseconds later we had settled on the latter – citing only vastly superior quality and entertainment as our reason. Within ten minutes I had turned to my flatmate and said, “Mella, when this gets to the end can we rewind and watch it again?” She assented. But this delightful fate was not to be, as once the film had ended, we found ourselves woefully drawn to the pulsating breasts and buttocks of Baldwin Jnr and Crawford in tits’n’arse cinema car-crash Fair Game…

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In which money is sent to the wrong place…

Freelance work is sent to try us. It’s just designed to drive you mad. Today I’ve discovered that the £350 that Time Out owe me for writing the gay section of this year’s London Guide has been sent to a place I haven’t lived in for two years. Two years! This wouldn’t annoy me so much if it wasn’t for the fact that I worked at Time Out full time for nearly 18 months after I moved from my old flat.

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Zyban, brain visions and the O2 Centre…

One of the hazards of working for a friend (and from home) is that they see nothing particularly wrong with text messaging you at seven in the morning, when you’re still comfortably asleep and warm having been up until 2am playing with code. This will have to stop.

But Danny isn’t the only one of my friends acting strangely this morning. The fact that many of my contemporaries have their own personal sites makes tracking their lunacies easier than ever. It’s like their affectations, mood swings and quirks are frozen in hypertext amber. Let’s see:

Michael has in the course of a month decided to give up smoking, take up yoga and have various parts of his body shot through with metal. It’s like he’s becoming the anti-Michael – completely different from the man I knew at University. And he’s decided to give up smoking by taking Zyban [Official site]. I’m confused by this turn of events – as a smoker myself I can see the attraction of giving up, I can even understand getting help to do so – patches, gum – these things make sense to me. But there’s something about taking medication to ween yourself off a habit that seems strange to me. Shouldn’t the remedy match the problem in some way? What happened to willpower?

While Michael’s becoming a highly medicated “my-body-is-a-temple” kind of guy, Matt is beginning to respond to the world as if it were one huge and continual head-trip. In his latest post he’s reading a book on the tube when he comes upon the Hebb Hypothesis. The text he’s reading goes like this, “Most viable theories of memory require some form of synaptic modification dependent on the correlation of pre-and postsynaptic neuronal firing (which we will denote as the Hebb Hypothesis).” This triggers a chain of intellectual association-making – a kind of magically synaptic corona – in and around Matt’s mind. And he launches into one of the trippiest pieces of writing he’s produced in months:

“Outside the feeling of claustrophobia hadn’t lifted. I looked up at the blue sky and the buildings and understood what I was seeing what the physical alteration in my machine. Suddenly everything reversed, my brain turned inside-out and instead of clouds and windows I saw the patterns of my brain — an inverted sphere, the whole universe of my perception as solid brain, and a hole inside, a gap in this solid the exact shape of my old brain, vacant, and me, reflected by the universe inside it, a hologram.”

So Michael’s become a pharmaceutical Buddha and Matt’s become Techie Jim Morrison. And this has all happened while I’ve slept. Someone seems to have slipped something into the meme-stream this morning. It’s having an effect on everyone.

I’ll end with David and Meg – two successful, well-paid, essentially sober individuals. Surely these two would be immune from any mass-mind-fuck that’s going down? It seems not. For they too have been exploring whole new states of being, by carefully detailing their respective experiences of their local mall – the O2 Centre. Now I too am a fan of this establishment – in fact Meg’s descriptions of the fake rocks, piped bird noises and plumes of lit water make me feel almost nostalgic. (Aside: the same effect could be acheived with fibre optic cables, keyhole surgery and a large quantity of beer.) But I’m awed by their desire to chronicle these experiences in such detail. It’s as if their senses have been enhanced in some way, and instead of seeing fibre-glass and escalator, they’re seeing patterms of light and colour – Acid-visions of modern life…

Is it just me? Am I the only one left with a mundane brain? Am I the only one who can’t see the music and feels it passing through me?

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Personal Publishing

How to get more traffic to your weblog…

I got an e-mail a couple of days ago from a guy who wanted to know how to increase traffic to his weblog – god only knows why he chose to ask me, but there you go. I’m not entirely sure that my advice was quite what he was looking for, because I didn’t give him any revolutionary tips about secret search engine strategies or ways to control and influence the minds of young, hip and trendy scene-setters. In fact I can summarise what I said to him in just a few points:

  1. Search Engines: You can get traffic off search engines, but is it the kind of traffic that really interests you? The people who seek your site by running a search about “Sex with lubricated badgers” are going to be disappointed with your thoughts on identifying the gender of the black and white animals. And if you’re hoping to catch people who are just looking for a good weblog, remember that there are hundreds of thousands of other weblogs which are just as likely to appear in their search results. My opinion? Don’t bother.
  2. Site of the month/day/week etc Again – why bother. Most of the sites that give out awards do so to get traffic, not to give it to other people. And if they’re easy to win, they’re essentially useless, and will clutter up your site with badges and logos and buttons. If they’re not easy to get mentioned on – such as Blogger’s “Blogs of note”, then your chances of getting a link are almost ridiculously small – and frankly would be enhanced by paying attention to the only really important parts of the weblog process… Which are…
  3. Good quality design and content It may be dull, but it remains true – if you write good stuff and present it elegantly, then you’ll be well read in no time at all. Case in point – Trabaca is a site that I stumbled upon fairly recently. I’ve got quite entrenched in my weblog reads of late, and don’t tend to wander that much. But this site had an immediate visual impact for me – and it stuck in my head because of that. And then I discovered that it was a delight to read. So now it’s a regular destination for me. That’s the best model for encouraging regular visitors to your site – give them something worth coming to.

And even though I told myself I wouldn’t do this – here are a few ways in which you can up the quality of your design and content:

  1. What’s your site about? You don’t have to define yourself too closely, but if you can identify a spirit or a set of subjects that matter to you or that you have opinions about then you’re one step towards developing a weblog that people will be able to relate to.
  2. Branding It sounds really corporate, but just think about it for a minute – if you were building a site about hamsters, then you might do something kind of cutesy. If you were building a site about body-building, then you’d probably go for something really macho-looking. If it’s about the things you care about then it should have an appropriate look – one that is right for the discussion of the things you care about. Identify colours, images, themes and a name that works for you and is easily memorable. Make the name short!
  3. Opinions There are a thousand sites on the net which duplicate the popular links of the moment. Since the appearance of Blogdex, this has started to happen even more regularly. But this is not necessarily a problem unless those links are all you have to offer. What’s your opinion of the link? What’s your opinion on the story? These are the only things that people can’t get on any other site but yours. You may as well play to your strengths!
  4. Story-selection You went to the shop. That’s nice. You had a cookie. Great. You picked your arse. Excellent. Why are you writing this down? A hundred thousand things may happen to you in a day, or maybe nothing will have happened at all, but there will always be something worth talking about. And for everything worth talking about, there will be dozens of things that you did during the day that no one gives a damn about! Today I went to the loo, took two painkillers for my toothache and drank pink grapefruit juice. Do you give a damn? No.
  5. Good quality writing This one’s a bit tedious – check your grammar, check your spelling, feel comfortable going back and re-editing posts that don’t make immediate sense to your when you re-read them.

I’m not going to pretend that I do all these things all the time, or that I do them very well. Still – that’s my two-penneth. Hopefully you’ll find something useful in it.

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Random

The origin of the Buffy Swearing Keyboard…

An amusing moment this afternoon – I got an e-mail from my flatmate recommending that I check out the Buffy Swearing Keyboard, humourously suggesting that it was ‘made for’ our Buffy-obsessed flat. At which point I had to explain that the keyboard in question was made by a guy I used to work with and that the idea of having Buffy speak loud obscenities emerged one morning when we were outside the office having a cigarette.

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Emerson on non-conformity…

Quote of the day: “Whoso would be a man must be a non-conformist.” [Ralph Waldo Emerson]

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Random

Lego Spiderman at thirty…

One of the wonderful things about having a little brother who’s thirteen years younger than you was that just when you’re really supposed to have put childish things behind you, you get the opportunity to do them all over again in the guise of ‘playing with the little one’. Which of course meant that my youthful obsession with Lego models managed to exist in a modifed form well into my twenties. Which makes announcements like the Lego Spiderman all the cooler – even as I approach my thirtieth birthday… [via Haddock]

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Random

Four films, no rewatches…

Films watched over weekend: A Beautiful Mind, The Princess Diaries, Vanilla Sky and Phantoms. Films that I watched this weekend that I would be interested in seeing again: N/A. Worst film I saw this weekend: Vanilla Sky.

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How to get more weblog traffic…

All the votes are in for the first stage of the 2002 Bloggies, so I can only hope that the article, Psychology of Weblogs has been nominated, even if it doesn’t receive an award. There’s a lot of sense in it – particularly the emphasis on personality, story-telling and the the seeking out of creative and innovative linkage.

I got an e-mail a couple of days ago from a guy who wanted to know how to increase traffic to his weblog – god only knows why he chose to ask me, but there you go. I’m not entirely sure that my advice was quite what he was looking for, because I didn’t give him any revolutionary tips about secret search engine strategies or ways to control and influence the minds of young, hip and trendy scene-setters. In fact I can summarise what I said to him in just a few points:

  1. Search Engines:
    You can get traffic off search engines, but is it the kind of traffic that really interests you? The people who seek your site by running a search about “Sex with lubricated badgers” are going to be disappointed with your thoughts on identifying the gender of the black and white animals. And if you’re hoping to catch people who are just looking for a good weblog, remember that there are hundreds of thousands of other weblogs which are just as likely to appear in their search results. My opinion? Don’t bother.
  2. Site of the month/day/week etc
    Again – why bother. Most of the sites that give out awards do so to get traffic, not to give it to other people. And if they’re easy to win, they’re essentially useless, and will clutter up your site with badges and logos and buttons. If they’re not easy to get mentioned on – such as Blogger’s “Blogs of note”, then your chances of getting a link are almost ridiculously small – and frankly would be enhanced by paying attention to the only really important parts of the weblog process… Which are…
  3. Good quality design and content
    It may be dull, but it remains true – if you write good stuff and present it elegantly, then you’ll be well read in no time at all. Case in point – Trabaca is a site that I stumbled upon fairly recently. I’ve got quite entrenched in my weblog reads of late, and don’t tend to wander that much. But this site had an immediate visual impact for me – and it stuck in my head because of that. And then I discovered that it was a delight to read. So now it’s a regular destination for me. That’s the best model for encouraging regular visitors to your site – give them something worth coming to.

And even though I told myself I wouldn’t do this – here are a few ways in which you can up the quality of your design and content:

  1. What’s your site about?
    You don’t have to define yourself too closely, but if you can identify a spirit or a set of subjects that matter to you or that you have opinions about then you’re one step towards developing a weblog that people will be able to relate to.
  2. Branding
    It sounds really corporate, but just think about it for a minute – if you were building a site about hamsters, then you might do something kind of cutesy. If you were building a site about body-building, then you’d probably go for something really macho-looking. If it’s about the things you care about then it should have an appropriate look – one that is right for the discussion of the things you care about. Identify colours, images, themes and a name that works for you and is easily memorable. Make the name short!
  3. Opinions
    There are a thousand sites on the net which duplicate the popular links of the moment. Since the appearance of Blogdex, this has started to happen even more regularly. But this is not necessarily a problem unless those links are all you have to offer. What’s your opinion of the link? What’s your opinion on the story? These are the only things that people can’t get on any other site but yours. You may as well play to your strengths!
  4. Story-selection
    You went to the shop. That’s nice. You had a cookie. Great. You picked your arse. Excellent. Why are you writing this down? A hundred thousand things may happen to you in a day, or maybe nothing will have happened at all, but there will always be something worth talking about. And for everything worth talking about, there will be dozens of things that you did during the day that no one gives a damn about! Today I went to the loo, took two painkillers for my toothache and drank pink grapefruit juice. Do you give a damn? No.
  5. Good quality writing
    This one’s a bit tedious – check your grammar, check your spelling, feel comfortable going back and re-editing posts that don’t make immediate sense to your when you re-read them.

I’m not going to pretend that I do all these things all the time, or that I do them very well. Still – that’s my two-penneth. Hopefully you’ll find something useful in it.

Addenda: i) On ‘story-selection’ it has been pointed out to me that as a weblogger you shouldn’t want to always appeal to an audience. I say this doesn’t matter – whether or not you want to write about what you find interesting or what an audience might find interesting is up to you. But if neither of you find it interesting, then why publish it? ii) A further aside: Remember that this piece is about how to make a weblog get more traffic – not to make it worthwhile, socially valuable or “good”. How you do that is up to you…

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NTK miscounts the Bloggies prizes…

And I quote from NTK: “Only a couple of days or so left to get your nominations into the “Bloggies” Second Annual Weblog Awards – and perhaps prevent Metafilter, PlasticBag.Org and – imaginatively enough – Blogger.com from scooping all those $20 PayPal prizes again.”

I should point out that only the supreme winner of the awards receives any kind of prize.