Category: Random

BEFORE WE EVEN START: Buy me a bloody birthday present already!

On the 19th of July 2002, I will be thirty years old. But with only a few days to go I find myself confused about it. It’s a milestone, clearly – but a milestone of what? Does you life change – or is it going to end up being exactly the same – just moreso? What should I expect from it? What should anyone expect from it?

So what I’m suggesting is this… Rather than me writing a whole piece about the experience – why not open it up to everyone? Why not get everyone of you who has turned thirty to post their stories? Why not get everyone of you who knows a good site or joke or piece of information post it for all of us to see? Then in the years to come (!) other people who are completely bloody freaked out about the whole thing can have all this wonderful stuff to make them feel better or worse…

So if I was going to be writing an autobiography anytime soon I think I’d call it I was a teenage twenty-something. I’ve come increasingly aware that I’m an awful adult. I’m just useless at it. When I meet people I think are sexy and interesting and fun I become a relentless teenager – my voice bounces up two octaves, I say dumb dumb things (if I can think of anything at all to say) and I immediately forget all the things that I’m proud of that I’ve accomplished and instead concentrate on how incredible and astonishing the other person is. You’re supposed to get over this stuff when you’re fifteen or something…

Issues of sexuality aside, it occurs to me that there are a variety of things that it would make a hell of a lot of sense if Amazon knew about you in order to better suggest products. The easiest example? Mac vs PC. Why don’t they just ask me? It would make things so much easier.

So there’s this new feature on Amazon.co.uk where you can buy two things together that are apparently connected for a slightly lower price. It’s a really neat little feature that tries to determine what kind of things would interest you and encourages you to buy them together. Except it’s a little too good at it’s job I fear – buy “An erotic love story packed with stunning young men – for the gay man” and Amazon thinks very carefully about your interests and preferences and promptly spits out Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. Too wonderful… What a combination… I wonder if his parents know…

I don’t have gay spending habits. This is the only assumption that I can come to. After going diligently through all of Amazon.co.uk and adding and rating all the things that I own, the DVD recommendations page for ‘Erotica’ shamelessly tells me that I need a DVD which will explain how I could better pleasure a woman. In my experience pleasuring a woman actually isn’t that hard – a Selfridges voucher normally works quite well. It’s quite satisfying to see videos called The Lover’s Guide – What Women Want and click firmly on the little button underneath that reads ‘not interested’!

There are some dodgy people in the world, with an exciting range of sexual interests that are more or less unfathomable to me. And then I’m sure that there are some things that get me off that probably would seem like the actions of a Martian to many other people. And then there are very very weird people. Warning: Less funny than excruciatingly gross!

Without Haddock I would never have stumbled up this one: Your Password Must Be at Least 18770 Characters and Cannot Repeat Any of Your Previous 30689 Passwords . [via James]

What the hell is it about the world that makes the word ‘gay’ so intrinsically funny to people? Currently doing the rounds: Spiderman will make you gay. I’ve got very very mixed feelings about this. I don’t think it’s overtly homophobic, but then I’m pretty comfortable with being a poof. The more I look at it, the more I think that it’s the kind of thing that drives young teenage poofs further into the closet, prolonging years of misery and giving kids at school yet another way to be vile to each other. What do you think?

So I was having a conversation with Matt Webb about my upcoming birthday when I will be thirty years old, and I said to him, “How do you think I can mention my birthday and link to my wishlist without seeming really cheap and mercenary?” And he said, “Since when did that stop you?” And you know what…? He was right…

I’m supposed to get my broadband today. Fast interhighweb access 24/7 from my very own living room. Will anything in the world ever be safe from my rampaging eye? Will I now be able to download all those huge OSX updates without being cut-off after half-an-hour? Only time will tell.

Updates: Broadband rocks. Am thoroughly enjoying it. I can now tell the world that the yet-another-sequel to Halloween looks really bad.