Category: Random

I hereby declare Ralph to be stroppy guardian of my soul and well-being and agree in principle to being ‘his project’.

Hey look kids: barbelith is an ‘online publication’ according to plastic.com – the metafilter that it’s only just about ok to like, even when they link you. I’m chuffed, nonetheless. Now I need more bloody articles, so stop sitting on your fucking arses and write something.

Temping thrills (1) Arrive at assignment. Sit down. Start computer. Start Outlook. The first e-mail is being displayed in the preview pane. It reads, “Why doesn’t Michael Barrymore use ashtrays? Because he puts his fags out in the pool“. 9.35am – the bile is rising.

And the vote is in, and yes – the answer we were all dreading – temping is the dark lord Satan’s way of making humanity’s life even more of a godawful fucking living hell than we ever thought possible. Swear to god. I’m doing this a week. And then they’re sure as fuck had better be some other work for me to do, otherwise I’m going to fucking kill someone.

For those who don’t believe that it’s possible, I will on cam in my suit in a few minutes. That should give you all an opportunity for a giggle or two.

Today on Barbelith: Echelon (2) Science and Patents – “The technology for these terrifying prospects is not new – the means for interception have stepped hand in hand down the aisle with the means for communication all along.”

There’s another picture of me over at The Mirror Project – this time with most of my clothes off. Not that you can see anything of course.

Question: Why do kid’s movies invariably contain large amounts of scatalogical humour. Surely there must be more funny things you can do with a dog / bear / raccoon than make it crap everywhere?

Must hurry – otherwise will miss press preview of Dr Doolittle 2, which I’m am reviewing for the BBC. I’ve tried everything I can think of to get someone to come with me including e-mailing everyone I know in the world and posting it on Barbelith. But the thought is too much for all my friends. Hence I will make them suffer if they want to go see Moulin Rouge or Planet of the Apes at a preview with me…

Tom’s Top Twelve Bowie tracks:

12) Fascination [Young Americans]
“Every time I feel fascination, I just can’t stand still, I’ve got to use her, Every time I think of what you pulled me through, dear, Fascination moves sweeping near me.”
11) TVC15 [Station to Station]
“One of these nights I may just jump down that rainbow way. Be with my baby, then We’ll spend some time together.”
10) Big Brother / Chant of the Ever Circling Skeletal Family [Diamond Dogs]
“We’ll build a glass asylum, with just a hint of mayhem.” “Someone to claim us, someone to follow, someone to shame us, some brave apollo, someone to fool us, someone like you, we want you Big Brother.”
9) Let’s Dance (Live) [Bowie at the Beeb]
“If you say run, I’ll run with you. If you say hide, we’ll hide. Because my love for you would break my heart in two. If you should fall into my arms and tremble like a flower.”
8) Golden Years [Station to Station]
“Don’t let me hear you say life’s taking you nowhere, angel. Come get up my baby. Look at that sky, life’s begun. Nights are warm and the days are young.”
7) Black Country Rock [The Man Who Sold The World]
“Some say the view is crazy but you may adopt another point of view.”
6) Ashes to Ashes [Scary Monsters]
“They got a message from the Action Man,’I’m happy, hope you’re happy too I’ve loved all I’ve needed to love. Sordid details following.'”
5) The Man Who Sold The World [The Man Who Sold The World]
“We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when. Although I wasn’t there, he said I was his friend. Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes. I thought you died alone, a long long time ago.”
4) Fashion [Scary Monsters]
“There’s a brand new dance but I don’t know its name. That people from bad homes do again and again. It’s big and it’s bland full of tension and fear. They do it over there but we don’t do it here.”
3) Starman [Ziggy Stardust]
“Look out your window I can see his light. If we can sparkle he may land tonight.”
2) Beauty and the Beast [Heroes]
“Something in the night, something in the day. Nothing is wrong but darling, something’s in the way.”
1) Andy Warhol [Hunky Dory]
“Put a peephole in my brain. Two New Pence to have a go. I’d like to be a gallery. Put you all inside my show.”

Honourable mentions to: Sound and Vision [Low], Boys Keep Swinging [Lodger], Heroes [Heroes], It’s No Game (Parts One and Two) [Scary Monsters], Queen Bitch [Hunky Dory], Life on Mars [Hunky Dory], Let’s Spend The Night Together [Aladdin Sane], Jean Genie [Aladdin Sane], Sorrow [Pin Ups], Lady Stardust [Ziggy Stardust], Fame [Young Americans]